“Randy, where are you?”, God calls.
“Well, Crap! Where have I gone that You can’t find me?”, I whisper under my breath.
God replies, “No, I know where you are, you silly man, I am only asking because I want you to know where you are.”
“Oh, You heard that? Um… You, had me worried for a moment”, I say. “In that case, I am here in Georgia, You know that place I said I would never go to live again. I’ll tell You, these past five years have been hard on us (Wanda, the kids and I). We are tired, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Also, I am bored intellectually. I know this is where You wanted us to go, and I thought I was prepared for the difficulty we would face, but, this has been even harder than I imagined.
“It isn’t really hard physical work for me, it’s the limited hours of sleep. Of course You know that. It is hard to watch any person die slowly day by day. It is even harder to watch Wanda, watch her mom die. Then, at the same time watch Wanda’s dad cling to some hope that he can keep his wife by shear force of will. It wears on my soul. How do I express the hope we have in You, without making him feel like I have given up on her. I know he misses her, but only her body is here. Sure there are the occasional moments of twinkle in her eye or when she says something that may make you think she is with us, but those moments are happening far less frequently. Those moments reenforce his hope. I don’t understand why he can’t see that as we lose more of her, You have not lost Your hold of her, she is secure.
“This time has had a dual affect on my spirit, I am constantly running to You and from You. Sometimes both at once. My emotions tell me to run from You as quickly as I can! ‘Do you really want to face the next heart ache He has in store for you?’, they say. Then, You do some thing miraculous, like speak some truth from Your word, from one of Your children, or even from on of Your enemies and I collapse into Your peace clinging to You. So, does that make any sense to you? Because I have a hard time with it.”
“Yes.”
“Yes? Well um, thats it?”, my confused reply.
“Yes.”
“Okay. I guess it is kind of like that song ‘Storm’ by Lifehouse, Crying out to You in the mist of this crazy storm of which I can make no sense. Then realizing that if I could just see You everything would be okay. Everything is okay”, I say, “right?”
“Yes, so what next?”
“You’re asking me? I suppose I am going to keep taking care of the Jerrys, the kids and Wanda while I pursue the MATL at Bethel. You know I have wanted to get a masters degree for a long time, but I have put it off three other times in order ‘to do ministry’ rather than learn about it. I can’t really say what will come after that. I mean I never thought I would be the one taking care of Wanda’s mom. You know there are some people I just never wanted to bathe and/or see naked. Anyway, as I look at it now my being laid off seems to come right when Wanda couldn’t keep lifting her three or four times a day. Then you give me the part-time job at Woodland just when I thought my brain was going to turn to jelly from lack of use. So, I am just hoping to live each day and not worry about three years from now. You know, I am not very good at living for today. So, is that what you are trying to teach me?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe? That is awful vague.”
“Hmm.”